Conoce a mi en la Oscuridad...

Some People

2010-08-30T03:53:00.001-07:00

We are all aware that issues between people, especially classmates, always exist no matter how hard we try to deny it. However, I feel that we hardly ever talk about the reason or reasons why these issues suddenly surface out of nowhere. May I ask you one thing? What is the first thing that comes into your mind when you are asked ‘What caused the issue?’ I won’t assume for now because I wrote this note to specifically lay down my own reasons why issues always exist. I have come up with 22 reasons why we can’t avoid issues- In NO particular order.

1^st- Some people are immature.

2^nd- Some people are so insensitive with the concern of other people.

3^rd- Some people are sensitive with the concern of insensitive people.

4^th- Some people are being taken for granted by others.

5^th- Some people are spineless.

6^th- Some people are authoritative in a very insulting way.

7^th- Some people want it all. (Cliché, but so true!)

8^th- Some people create issues to make themselves satisfied.

9^th- Some people are rude.

10^th- Some people are so full of excuses.

11^th- Some people are irritating.

12^th- Some people are sarcastic.

13^th- Some people do not show their concern.

14^th- Some people have different ideas which tend to the clashes of their own ideas.

15^th- Some people think they can do better than the others.

16^th- Some people make a big fuss almost about everything.

17^th- Some people do not accept corrections.

18^th- Some people do not accept mistakes.

19^th- Some people always blame the person who tries to guide everyone and then give him/her unpleasant remarks.

20^th- Some people mock other people.

21^st- Some people just do not accept that there are others who are better than them.

22^nd- Some people create lies.

Oh, some people! I cannot accept this anymore. What I’m trying to point out with these reasons is that issues exist because of EVERYONE! In one section, some people create lies about another section, and the remaining ‘some people’ in that section hurriedly bite the lies which then turn into an issue! If we want to stop the issue, let’s stop ourseleves first. And please be responsible enough to know your duties, that way, there will be no issues to be solved anymore.

THE L-L Principle...

2010-01-31T03:19:00.000-08:00

I was once asked by someone: "What do you prefer? Love or Lust?" I answered: "Love, of course." That someone asked me again in disbelief: "Why Love?". I answered: "Because lust can be deadly. You'll be happy for only a while, but when that last subsides, what will be left for you?" That someone then laughed and said "You are mistaken, love is the one you should be afraid of, because love will make you do things you don't want to do, while lust would make you do things you are dying to do" I frowned: "You lost me there. Love will never make you do things you don't want to do, rather, love will make you think of the possibilities of trying to do those things." That someone laughed again: "You don't get the whole idea, do you?". I nodded. That someone smirked at me. "Alright, let's put it this way..." that someone paused "what situation comes into your mind that involves love and lust?". I replied "Falling in love". That someone frowned and replied "I'm sick of that, why don't we talk about sex?" I was about to reply, but that someone didn't let me. "You see, people make love because they are tempted to do that thing. They make love because they both feel lust inside their bodies." I shook my head and protested: "Of course not! If they are both in love with each other, then there's no way they make love because of lust!" That someone laughed again and then pointed his forefinger at me: "Let me ask you this, have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone?" I replied: "Not yet." That someone smiled at me: "Then believe me, I experienced lot of things. We're not in the middle age, you know, and today, as much as you don't want to accept it, people barely fall in love because of love." It didn't make sense. What is this person trying to imply? That someone continued: "What do you prefer when you look for your partner?" I was caught off guard with that question. I didn't know what to answer. It's as if I might say something that would prove that I'm wrong. "I..." That someone interrupted me: "You don't know what to answer, because you know that I already know what you will say. You see, people nowadays tend to look for perfection. You get aroused my the sexy body of a woman, you get turned off seeing them get fat.Whenever you court someone, it's not because you really love her, it's because you just want her to recognize you, to feel her warm embrace, and to FUCK HER!" At some point, I it was right. I then said: "Maybe you are right, but some people tend to develop their feelings and they just find themselves in love with that girl." That someone laughed again, and I admit I am getting irritated: "That's a silly answer. What I'm trying to imply here is that people never fall in love because they are really in love; they fall in love because..." I didn't want to hear anything from that someone. I ran away and didn't even look back. I want to prove that I'm right. I want to to see someone in love not because of lust, but because of love. I did everything I could to look for someone to fall in love with, but every day that passes by, I slowly succumb to my own weakness, that is, believing lust is more important than love. However, I just felt that having no love inside yourself could destroy your life. Yes! You make love with almost anyone you're interested with but what happens after that? You get satisfied of the pleasure of being one, but after that night, you'll pretend that nothing has ever happened. If you think lust is more important than love, then I guess you haven't experienced real love, yet. Pleasure in bed will be a real pleasure, if you're making love with the one you are in love with. Yes, there's lust, but the most important thing is that there is also love. After having sex that night, you'll still see the face of the most important person in your life the next morning. Unlike when there is no love, you'll wake up alone, feeling nothing but a one night pleasure. You don't really court because you want to fuck that person, but because you want to make her feel how important she really is. I'm now sure of what I will answer the next time I see that same person who asked me of what is really important in life. I saw that person standing in front of me. That someone smiled at me and said: "It's been a long time, how are you?" I smiled and replied: "Just fine, after realizing you are wrong. You see, lust is everywhere, and we can not take that away from all of us. Who are we to not get tempted by those gorgeous bodies of a woman? We all want to feel her embrace and to make her recognize us. I admit, you make love because of lust, but love is the most important thing in this world, because it makes you feel special, and the likes. Love makes you understand the things that lust can never explain whenever that special someone is not beside you and is busy with her work..." That someone asked: "and that is?" I smiled again and replied "Expectation and Jealousy..." That someone tried to reply but I hurriedly interrupted him "If there's no love, then you won't get jealous of seeing her with someone else. If there's no love, then you won't expect her to be there the next morning making breakfast for you and greeting you a good morning kiss after making love with her. If there's no love, then there's no way you'll feel so important and inspired. That someone tried to talk but I've had enough so I hurriedly shattered the glass in front of me. I don't want to see him again, because I'm through talking with him. I know now what I want, and that is... well... love...

Not in the Mood

2010-01-31T02:10:00.000-08:00

Damn... I just couldn't think of something interesting to write. I feel so stupid right now and I just can't seem to find the right thing that would make me inspired (not because of romantic relationship). I have been feeling like hell these past few weeks- impatient, uninspired, and moody. Yesterday, I chose to leave Manila so that I can have my sort of week long vacation. I think the things that make me impatient, uninspired, and moody are my daily routine in life- sleep, wake up, use the internet, study, chat, gossip, and the likes, and I guess I need to have some rest. I want silence, seriously, and I'm kind of getting it here in Bataan, because people here are asleep more often than not and I'm liking it because it makes me feel better than those past few weeks. People, especially my classmates, might react here saying that I'm not the type of person who wants silence, but they are absolutely wrong!, because I do want to have silence in my life, it's just that they are the ones who tempt me not to be silent almost every day. I don't know if anyone noticed that I'm becoming nicer than I was before. Well yeah, I think I'm slowly changing everything about me.

After 2009, I promised that I will change, and I think I'm doing great right now. I started eating foods which I don't really like before, specially vegetables. I also started to discipline myself when I'm inside the room- started to talk less. Also, I started to avoid making nasty jokes about my friends, although I sometimes forgot that promise. (evil laugh). And also, I started to become patient, and started to be sweet, and just like what I stated earlier, nice. I don't know what changed me. I just felt that I need to change, because I can see I will never be able to learn new things if I just stay contented with the things I have. I don't even know what I had before Honestly speaking, I don't like myself back then, because I was not confident with myself, and I was also insecure of what I don't have that other people have. But today, I can proudly say that I am now confident with myself and is happy with the people and things that I have now...

I'm liking the silence now, and I just realized that sometimes, silence can make people inspired. Silence can make me write the things I didn't plan to write. I didn't know that silence can make me feels very much alive. Before, I don't want silence because I find silence boring and I thought I can't bear the pain that silence makes me feel, but I was totally wrong. Silence, I shall say, is the only thing that could help you whenever you are in deep trouble. It's because silence can make you think of anything to make everything perfect!

*sigh*

Seriously, I'm not in the mood to write a long note. So I'll just end this note like this.

P.S. Whenever nature calls you, don't you even like it? All you ca hear is the dripping sound of your... *evil laugh*

Family Portrait

2010-01-10T05:28:00.004-08:00

I didn't want my first note for this year to be so dramatic, because I don't want to be sad, however, I suddenly felt the need to express my feelings toward something very important to me and to my family. I wrote a note entitled "Why do Married Men" last year because I wanted to express my stand with regard to having an illicit relationship. Many people agreed because we all have the same feelings toward it. I know I've hurt people when I wrote that, because I was too harsh with the words I have written, and I would just like to say sorry again. I don't want to open this topic again because I felt it's too much for me and I can't take any of this bullshit again, but I just said to myself that if I won't voice out my thoughts, then, maybe, I may just kill myself because of the hatred and pain that I have been feeling. Back then, our family seemed to be a perfect family set for a perfect movie. We were so happy, until someone named Nerissa came into our lives and destroyed everything! My Dad introduced us to her as our beloved Tita, and as kids, we don't even care who the hell she really was, all our Dad told us was that she was his gym-mate. Again, we didn't care. We accepted her as if she's really a friend of us. Little did we know that she was already having an illicit relationship with Dad. How did we know? Simply because of just some reasons. Reasons which I can never forget.

1) Daddy suddenly bought a new cellphone which he didn't want us to use. He said he's the only one who can use it.
2) Daddy gave my older brother a new phone ( Smart Subscriber Plan), and when my older brother inquired about the owner of the cellular phone he was using. He first asked if the owner was Danilo Ferrer, but the operator told him that Danilo Ferrer was not the registered owner, but Nerissa. Oh crap! What a friend!
3) I was at school back then when I suddenly realized I forgot my P.E Uniform, so I sent a message to my Dad asking him to bring me my P.E. Uniform, but after a minute or two of waiting, I decided to call him. Somebody answered the phone, but it was not my Dad. I heard a voice of a girl! Damn it!
4) My Mom heard rumors about my Dad dating another woman, and she confronted my Dad.

You see, our family almost broke up because of that woman named Nerissa! There were times that I just woke up hearing my parents yell at each other. I even see my Mom leave their room and preferred to sleep outside our house. There also came a time that my Mom started to grew tired of my Dad that she started packing her things, and told us to come with her. Of course, I didn't think twice, I don't want to live with my Dad! I even saw my older brother crying because my parents were fighting, but I didn't care. I just said to myself, what would will the crying do to us? It can't save my parent's relationship. What's lacking is their love for each other, not some petty cries from us. Many things happened that almost broke our family. My Dad even promised my Mom that he won't be seeing his woman again, and so my Mom believed her, but promises were really meant to be broken. And so, the time came, Year 2003, that my Mom decided to leave. She took us to our Paternal Grandmother's house. I thought they were really going to be separated, but my Auntie's decided to fix their relationship, and they succeeded. Mom accepted my Dad's apology, and promised once again that he will not commit the same mistakes he did back then. This time, he didn't lie.

2003... 2004... 2005... My sister and brother went to Manila to study, and my Mom decided to come with them, so I was left with my Dad for that time. No family problems again. No names of Nerissa again. No womanizing. No yelling. Nothing... We all thought that my Dad changed, but when my older sister returned from Manila, she saw some text messages from some unregistered number saying that "Thanks for the sugar, hon! I love you as always!" Damn, we were hurt once again, but we decided not to tell Mom about this. My sister confronted my Dad, but my Dad had his own story. He said he didn't know that number and the likes! We didn't believe him, we know he's cheating again. My sister left Bicol with a heavy heart, and I was left with my Dad again, with loneliness and betrayal. Time flew so quickly that it was already 2006... Just one more year before I graduate. Everything seemed perfect again, but one night, I just heard my Mom and Dad arguing again. I saw my Mom crying while telling my Dad "Nagtatrabaho ako ng maayos dito... Ang masakit dun, maraming tao ang nagsasabi sa akin at pinatatawanan ako na nambababae daw ang asawa ko!" I almost burst into tears, but I managed to control my feelings. I didn't want to hear and saw my Mom crying, so I just decided to sleep, but I couldn't do so. How could I?

2007... I graduated from high school and went to Manila with my Mom. My Dad was left alone. When I returned from Manila during my sem break, I saw a text message on my Dad's phone. It was on his drafts. It read: "Happy 3rd anniversary! You know I love you even though everyone is against our relationship! I'm looking forward to being with you again!" I knew it! My Dad really didn't change. He was still a womanizer. And by that time, I realized, how could I respect this man who doesn't even respect his family. I lost my respect to my Dad, and I started hating him. I couldn't confront him, because I was too weak for that, and I hate myself for being so stupid! I kept that text message to myself, because I don't want my sister, brother, and Mom to be mad at my Dad. I don't want to have problems again.

2008... 2009... Just last year, when we all returned from Manila for our x-mas break, my sister read a text message with someone named "?" on my Dad's phonebook. It read: Nagseselos ako kapag andyan asawa mo, kailan ba tayo magkikita ulit?" Freak! I almost lost my temper there, but I managed to control it. I took the number and started to text it, but the woman didn't reply. The only mystery here is the identity of that woman. But one thing is for sure... She may or may not be Nerissa, but still, she's my Dad's other woman!

I don't know how to confront my Dad, neither do I know how to tell my Mom about this. My sister and I even kept this to my brother because he was reviewing for his board exam on May. I left a letter, and hid it somewhere, and I hope that my Dad will be able to read that. I wrote all my hatred, pain and suffering there. I even told my Dad I hate him and will never be able to gain my respect again. I hate him for being a womanizer, and I hate him for not valuing his family!

It was never my choice, it was my decision...

2010-01-10T05:28:00.003-08:00

Thehe year's already about to end and I think I have done lots of things this year and it taught me lots of lessons in life. Lessons that I will never be able to forget in my entire life. I have had lots of troubles too, luckily, I was able to not get into fist fights. Honestly speaking, I don't like the thought of punching someone else and being punched by someone. Also, I have been a real naughty boy and tried things that I should have not tried. Things such as drinking, smoking, lying, bitching people, judging others based on how they act, how they look and how they talk, started leaving friends, stopped communicating with them, and cursing people especially professors. So you see, I have done so many things, mostly stupid ones, and I thanked myself for doing that because it taught me how to become stronger and how to live my life the way I want it to become. I changed a lot and became the person I thought I would never be. Well, I did not regret changing, because the changed that happened to me made me learn things that should be treasured for a lifetime.

Many people, especially the ones closest to me, would say that I'm childish, vain, insensitive, hypocrite, mean, horny, boastful, greedy, moody, impatient, and always hungry, and I thanked them for being so true to me. They are right. I am childish, vain, insensitive, hypocrite, mean, well not really horny, sometimes boastful, greedy when it comes to food, moody, impatient, and always hungry. I admit I have different traits that would make people mad at me and would sometimes lead into a misunderstanding.

Let me start this by saying: I WAS a Friendly person, but I realized that being friendly would never make you happy. Yes, you'll earn many friends, but would you know who among them will be your real friends? Would you know that all of them really wanted to become your friend?

Before, I used to think that I have to become someone I'm not and wouldn't be to earn friends, but as the days went by, I learned that being someone you're not would earn you friends, but not real ones. I admit I earned lots of friends, but only few became my closest friends. Few of my closest friends were true, and few of my true friends were like sisters and brothers to me. (They know who they are so I don't have to mention their names, right?) My real true friends accepted me as who I am, and didn't demand for anything else but my support and love ♥...

Actually, I have had some arguments back then with some of my real true friends, and I admit that I was wrong for treating them badly. (Hey Maricar Maulion, Tom Martinez, Arlyn Retardo, Hiezll Rivera and the other people, you all know who you are and again, I ask for your forgiveness. What I have said back then were partly true, and partly all lies (I just exaggerated things to make it sound worst, and to make you look as the bad one. So soooorrry! :D) I thought being true to yourself is a nice thing to do, but I learned that everything has its limitations. I learned that you can be true to yourself without hurting others feeling, without embarrassing them in front of many people. Without being mean to them, and without being such a nasty friend to them.

I am a backstabber, or maybe I WAS a backstabber. Before, I smile at people while they are in front of me, and then starts to say nasty things behind their back, but now, I learned that stabbing people at the back made me a cruel person. So to those people whom I stabbed at the back, sorry even if you are not sure if you're one of them :D)

I was a selfish, moody, and an impatient person. I want to have what I want even though it pisses almost everyone. What I want is what I get. (Sorry Arlyn, for the times I was so bossy at you!) (Evalyn Adan, sorry for harassing you whenever I have something I want you to do!) (Lorielyn Calderon, sorry for being so childish when it comes to asking something from you!) (Karen Cañedo, sorry for being so demanding!) and (Alvin Magana, sorry for the times I was really demanding to you!) What I want to say will be the words that will come out from my mouth. (Hey, Maricar! Sorry for what happened about us back then when I told you nasty things. You probably don't remember it, but I would just like to tell you how sorry I was when I stopped talking to you for almost a month) What I would like to do should be done by my friends, and whoever disagree shall be punished accordingly with my rules! Well, that's what I was back then, but now, I learned that being selfish would make my friends stay away from me. I don't want them to stay away, and I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a loner and I don't want to see myself as an outcast in our school. I have learned that I don't stop becoming selfish, then I might put my self in danger. I'm afraid that one day, I will just wake up finding everyone staying away from me, and I don't want that to happen.

I loved argumentation, but I learned that I should stop arguing things when it's not worth it. I should stop discussing things unnecessary for my life. I learned that gossiping about people would not make make me happy. Yes, I admit it would make me learn things about people, but why do I have to hear gossips from people? I learned that arguing is not the best solution to fix problems. I learned that what is best is to confront people. (Hey, Tom! Thanks for reminding me about this! :D) I admit that I hate confrontations because I don't want to hear the truth, but now, I'm ready to face reality. Be as it may, if people don't want me, then I'll just accept it. If they are mad at me, I'll ask why and I'll try to reason out as calm as possible. If people taunt me, then the hell I care, I'm not perfect! :)

I was a MEAN person. I admit it, I was friendly back then but I started to become mean. I suddenly started teasing people even though I already reached my limitation (I'm so sorry, Kim Abajon! For unintentionally making you hit the door with your face first. I know it hurts!) (Joyce Ann Timbang, sorry about what I did back then. You probably don't remember it, but I do! Remember how I talked in front of you with my mouth full of Pulboron, sorry about that!) (Daphne Valenzuela, for endlessly teasing you as fat! Really Really Sorry!) and (Hiezll, for endlessly teasing you to the girl you have once fallen in love with) . I started to piss others by saying nasty words at them (Carina Diolata, if you still remember what happened back then, I'm sorry ^^,) , or embarrassing them in front of other people (Hiezll- sorry about what happened at the Grand Stand, Arlyn- sorry about everything, especially when we were still 3CLM, Mara- Sorry for all the things I told you, especially with the note I have written!, I'm really sorry! ^^,)

I was Insensitive back then, but I learned that I should learn to consider what others are feeling. I learned that being insensitive really kills you. It makes you ignorant of what's happening around you. I was so foolishly addicted to being someone who do not like knowing what others are feeling. (Hey Arlyn, Mara Espejo, Maricar, Megan Villarama, Chitto Bajande, Tom, Renan Ariosa, Hiezll, Sonny Espejo, Carina, Kim, Joyce, Julie Ann Felipe- sorry for the prank calls!, Daphne- sorry for calling you Swineey and stealing your friends in Friends For Sale, Erika Cruz- for showing you pictures of Julie Vega inside her coffin, I know you are really afraid!), (Carina, for saying those nasty words back then!), (Megan, for making my words sound so annoying and sarcastic sometimes!) and (To MY PROFESSORS, SORRY FOR ALL THE CURSE AND TAUNTS! Sorrrrrrry!)

I was never a good friend. I admit it. I know I'm not a good friend, because I can't fulfill my promises. I just make them, but I never try to fulfill it. (I'm sorry Chitto! For endlessly promising to watch your show, but haven't tried to do it so). (I'm sorry Ainna Pardo, for not being a good friend to you! I know you are always there to listen to my problems, but I was never at your side in times you needed me the most!) (Lorielyn, for judging you so easily without knowing that I was the one wrong and should be the one taking the blame!) (Evalyn, sorry for being so selfish about my decision, and for cursing you for being so nice!) and (Carina, for being so stupid that I forgot to treasure you as my real friend when we were just starting as freshmen in San Beda!)

I have learned so many things this year. Many things happened a year or two years back then, and I only learned the lesson today! I wanted to say thank you to everyone who became part of my life, and who thought me of everything that I never knew back then. Thank you for being so patient even though I am nasty with you. Thank you for supporting my decisions, my way of thinking, and my way of living. I maybe not as nice as other people, but I love you all! :)

I am now changing, because I want to. I learned things the hard way. Things went wrong back then, but now, I'm ready to make things right. I can't promise that I can change with a single snap of my fingers, but I'll give my best shot to change. To be a better person. And If I didn't fulfill my promise, you can give me a punch on the face! BUT PLEASE NOT TOO HARD!

TO MY FRIENDS! THANK YOU ALL! ^^,

Begone Hatred

2010-01-10T05:28:00.001-08:00

It's been 9 months 22 days and 12 hours since I began hating things around me. I began locking myself away from the possibilities that could have changed me or could have made me become a better person. I thought that I will never be able to let this go but now, I find myself wanting to let go of the pain, suffering, hatred and the likes.

“The curtains unfold to the greatest story I have ever told. Now, I no longer have to bear with what I have been thinking. I have already given the most important secret I have been keeping to the friends I have. Tonight, at this very moment, I surrender my innocence-if that’s the most appropriate term to use- or almost as if I have made it gone with the wind. The labyrinth of my journey has come to an end as it finally takes its step to what lies toward me. Tonight, I am no longer afraid of any labefaction for I have had enough of it and I no longer need it; the failure isn’t as bad as it may seems for it goes swiftly back and forth at you- maybe I was just numb to feel it though or I am just so used to it. Tonight, I won’t be lackadaisical of the problems and troubles that I will be facing for I feel so secured of what I have and will be having now. I need to change! And that change means not to be la-di-da, and I am willing to try my best! I am officially leaving those who do not deserve me and those that I felt I do not deserve- so you people ‘you know who you are’- don’t go asking me the reason why I am doing this, because I won’t, not even bother, tell you what lacked and caused this change. The innocence may be gone, but the memory still remains... This is no time to be dramatic but I feel that I am losing so much time on being someone that I know I’m not and wouldn’t be. The night closes its doors and so do I!”

This is the goodbye text message that I sent to my friends, or so I thought. One incident happened to me that made me feel so alone and awkward- leaving me into nothingness full of broken pieces of the puzzle that I think must solve- an understatement. I felt so ashamed of myself after seeing that I was living in a world full of make-believe. Hatred is the first thing I have felt when I was brought back to reality by the pain that struck me, the truth really hurts, I know, but I was never prepared to face it so soon. I never know how that pain could come really close that I have started hurting myself and become so miserable. I didn’t know what to do, and so I had to say goodbye to all those who never believed in me and never remembered me every other day. Anguish is the next thing I felt, feeling betrayed by my friends whom I treasured so much and gave so much attention and love. I never did confront them... All I ever did was to say goodbye and change my number without telling them so. I was in grave sorrow that is why... I don’t know what else to do, because I am so miserable that time. What I did was to seek for comfort with the remaining true friends that I have, and so I thought once again. Stupidity is the great word I could ever compare myself to- So close... So close... This is what I am feeling one week after I have come to the realization that not all my friends are really my friends... Are you kidding me? This is another question I have been asking myself for a week. I don’t know why, but it seems that I could not grasp for the right answer that would fit in with that question. After feeling betrayed once again, I felt that I don’t have anything remaining in me, and so I have to go back to the nest where I can be safe from harm and pain...

Now, I'm tired of holding any pain inside of me, and I want to feel better. To become a better person... I'm ready to leave yesterday behind! ^^,

Love Means

2010-01-10T05:27:00.000-08:00

It was almost midnight yesterday when I sent a message to all my friends in my phone book. One second I was thinking about someone special, the next I found myself composing the bitter message I never thought would become so controversial. Yes, I found my note controversial that people started sending me messages regarding the message I sent. I didn't mean to offend them, or to make them mad, however, I just realized that, maybe, when they read the message, they realized that they are guilty of what I am saying. Pathetic! So here's the message I sent last night:

Love moves in a way that I can hardly understand. One moment, you have friends, the next, they're gone. love changes people and makes them forget the things that really helped them a lot. It makes them forget the people who are always there whenever they need help, whenever they are all alone. It makes them selfish, in a way that they no longer remember who their real friends are until they broke up. I can't help but to get angry at those people who are selfish , and so ignorant of what's happening around them. Love is not blind, rather, love makes them blind. Blind to the point that they stop caring, stop communicating, and stop being friends.

Expect them to be your friends whenever lovers have problems with their relationship. Expect them to be your friends whenever they need your help to patch things up. Expect them to be your friends whenever they need your help or some shoulders to cry on, but don't expect them to know you, to see you, and to treat you as their friend when they don't need your help.

Love is a scary thing, and loving is the scariest part of it. Why? It's because some people tend to love someone, and then starts to forget everyone.

If loving means forgetting people, then I don't understand why love is understood by everyone as an inspiration.

If loving means forgetting people, then I guess it's just best to forget about love.

After sending this message, lots of my people hurriedly replied. Some agreed, some just can't help but to get guilty. Ha ha ha! It's really pathetic seeing people get mad at you. Ha ha! It's because I really had no intention to make them mad, and yet, they found themselves guilty of the things that are really not charged against them. ♥

Why do Married Men?

2010-01-10T05:26:00.000-08:00

Why do married men have to find another women to flirt with? Why can't they just stick with their wives? Do they hunger for more? Do they find their wives sex-life unsatisfying? Or do their stupid mother fucking penis wanted more?

Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with law for the establishment of conjugal and family life. It is the foundation of the family and an inviolable social institution whose nature, consequences, and incidents are governed by law xxx

It's understandably clear what this provision means, but I wonder why people do not value this word MARRIAGE. People nowadays don't even care whether one is married or not, all they care about is having sexual intercourse, pleasure, and LUST!

I wonder why married men have to find another women to flirt with. Well, maybe those men find their marriage lives undeniably BORING, but does that mean that they can resort into finding someone that can give them happiness?! I say NO! Whenever I hear stories about problems about family lives, marriage, separation and the likes, I just can't help but to be annoyed of the fact that those men can't just get enough with having one woman, which is basically, their wives!

I HATE MEN HAVING ANOTHER WOMAN, and I HATE THOSE WOMEN HAVING AN ILLICIT RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE MEN, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ALREADY KNOW THAT THOSE MEN ARE ALREADY MARRIED!

Is concubinage committed by the man in providing the woman her own house or apartment but does not live with her though he regularly visits her thereat, at which time they engage in sex?

YES! I SAY YES!

WHAT IS CONCUBINAGE, you may ask, so here goes its definition!

What is concubinage?

Concubinage is committed by any husband who shall keep a mistress in the conjugal dwelling, or, shall have sexual intercourse, under scandalous circumstances, with a woman who is not his wife, or shall cohabit with her in any other place (Article 334 of the Revised Penal Code or RPC).

Fuck those men who commit concubinage, and fuck those women who are their mistresses! TAKE NOTE: I'm only mad at those people who are aware of what they are doing, and the people they are hurting! Why can't those women just stay out of an illicit relationship? Don't they even understand that they are destroying someone's family? Can't they understand the BASIC concept of marriage? Why the hell do they need to be so stupid when it comes to an illicit relationship?

I just can't let go of him, for now...

Well, maybe those women are really so into those men that they can't easily let go of them, but what the hell! Why do they have to put it in public? They are so proud of telling the public that they are happy with someone's husband! Don't they even know that every action has its consequences?

What if I killed or injured my spouse when I caught him/her in the act of committing sexual intercourse with another person?

The law provides that “any legally married person who, having surprised his spouse in the act of committing sexual intercourse with another person, shall kill any of them or both of them in the act or immediately thereafter, or shall inflict upon them any serious physical injury, shall suffer the penalty of destierro” (RPC, Article 247).

It's okay to love someone, as long as they don't hurt anyone, as long as their relationship is not an illicit one, as long as they don't break the law! I'm not the kind of person who's proud to know someone involved in this kind of situation, worse, I dislike them!

Saying Goodbye

2009-11-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

I just realized saying goodbye is the hardest part in our lives. Why? It's because I thought I can cope up with all the changes that are happening and will be happening in my life, but I was wrong. I thought I was prepared to see people going away, but I was wrong. My Mommy's brother, together with his family, went away yesterday- Wednesday, November 25, 2009, to migrate in California. Their petition was approved and after a year of processing the papers and the likes, they left. I was smiling when they came here to say their farewell, but deep inside, I was carrying a heavy heart. I don't know, but it's just so hard to see the people you love go away. I know my Uncle is now happy because, finally, he's together with his mother, brothers, and sisters, and I don't have anything against that. I'm also happy for him. However, I just can't help but to feel sad because I was used to having them here. Even though they were in Bataan, I still know that they are just a little trip away that would cost me a hundred or so to reach them, but now that they are there on the other side of the world that would cost me a LONG hour trip and thousands of pesos (which I clearly do not have), I just can't stop myself from being sad. Every time I think about the time they were still here- busy preparing for their papers to process, eating together during breakfast, lunch, and dinner, watching televisions together, sharing laughter and jokes, drinking almost every night, chatting, watching them smoke, eating ice cream together (sometimes), using the laptop to chat with my Aunts and Uncles, convincing our Auntie to give us money so that we can watch the latest movie in the theater, and all the bond we shared- I always get so depressed and lonely. During the last movie we watched, courtesy of Auntie Baby, entitled 2012, I already told myself that I will make that moment the most of it because I know it will take years before I could ever see them again- personally. I'm a little bit sad now, but I know I can manage to be happy because I know they are happy too. I'll just think that they went to California for a long vacation, or maybe I'll just think that I was the one who went here in the Philippines to have a long vacation. It only takes a little concentration, and I know the loneliness will soon subside. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing them soon, and I'm hoping that our petition wouldn't take long enough to be approved so that I can hug them, see them smile, hear their jokes, watch television together, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together, and to be with them.... again.

Love is...

2009-11-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've been active on writing blogs once more, and I noticed that most of my blog posts were all about love. *sigh* Another emotional being on the loose! Anyway, since I've been so open about my PAST love life, I think I should just share a little of my experience of love just years ago. I came to know this person whom, shall I say, not very familiar to me. This person's identity is a mystery for me because I haven't had the time to know this person better. We never met, actually. This person made me feel a "make believe" love. Why? Because I know my love for that person is a foolish thing to do. However, even though I know that what's happening between us is not real... *sigh again* Well, for me, it is real, because I try to treasure my moment with my someone special. Maybe that person did treasure it, it's just that destiny is against us. Destiny doesn't want me to be happy. I said on my other blog posts that I try not to expect things from other people, but I was really wrong. I realized I am not that strong, I still have glitches with my god forsaken life!

My love for that person is a REAL love. No lust. This person always calls me, and I liked it. I enjoyed the time we were exchanging stories. I thought that I was experiencing the THIS IS IT moment, but I was wrong. My foolishness came to its ending and I was left again with the sadness I thought will never linger inside of myself.

Innocence Started Fading: A Stranger's Conclusion

2009-11-06T04:39:00.000-08:00

For you to understand the story, please read first Life is a Glitch up to this part... Some words were vulgar... Please beware.

Who am I? This question really made me think hard. I don’t know why, but maybe because I really don’t know who I am. All I know is that I’m a human being, a person who has lots of dreams, someone who wishes to be happy. A man who wanted to explore the luxury of life, and a man who wanted to have experience on almost everything the world could offer. I am just like all of you, we are just alike, but our perspectives in life make the difference. Maybe I am right, but my idea is not enough to justify my answers to the very difficult question I have faced so far.

Now I know that I have started stepping to the wild side of the world. My innocence has been tortured to death as I come to the part that everything seemed to be so obscure. I don’t know why, but I think my mind had been shocked upon the changes in my life- it was really hard to adopt. Pornography had been the most talked about in the classroom. Trash talks began my passion. Lust became one of my habits, and I enjoyed all if it.

The first time I watched an adult movie was with my nephew, who was 3 months younger than me. We were just talking about the romance we fantasize and our senses started to grow. As the intensity grew much more, we had just discovered that our penis started to erect, and so we had to have our pleasure burst into satisfaction. I remember we had sneaked up into my uncle’s, his step grandfather, closet and snatched some adult movies. We were lucky because nobody’s there. They all had gone out for some fresh air. And so we slowly turned the television, turned on the DVD Player and inserted the DVD on it. I could see the excitement on our faces, and at the same time, the fear of somebody catching us. We then checked the doors and the windows to see if they were all locked up. And when we were really sure, we then played the DVD. We watched for the first time and saw things that kids aren’t supposed to see. We’ve been to paradise and enjoyed every moment of it. But you see, masturbation is not part of my lifestyle back then. Not until we watched that adult movie. When my Mom and I visited our old house, I saw some movies from my Dad’s cabinet, but I wasn’t able to watch it because our player just got hitched. And so, I just remembered the movie that made me fantasize more and more, the movie that made me concentrate harder, and so... I learned to masturbate- my fist masturbation; in our old house’s restroom. Funny, isn’t it? But what can I do? That was my first time. But to tell you the truth, I really did feel pleasure after doing it and it is very intolerable after having to try it.

I’m not that innocent...

Britney’s song really fits me... My family thinks I am so innocent that I will never understand such things in life. But little do they know that I have been doing it most often than not. I started living with it, but hiding it from the people around me.

The best recourse I have was to approach my nephew and tell him that I already tried masturbating, and all he said was that he already had tried it. And I found relief upon knowing that. At least, I’m not alone from our family who tried that, at least there were the two of us. I’m happy with that. 12 years living in this world had been great for me... I learned so many things that helped me grew stronger every other day.

I am strong...

I never knew how strong I was until I have come to like this girl. She was nice and the silent type of girl, I easily fell for her, although she never felt that. Even from the very beginning, I know that I don’t have any chance to court her; I was just taking chances... JUST! Although I was disappointed in the end, I never mourned too long. Like what I’ve said, I am no longer weak in terms of feelings or the likes of it. I’m so sick and tired of rejections from the girls I have just realized do not even deserve a piece of me. It’s not my loss, it’s theirs.

I now know what the world can really be, and it sucks. It will tell you that life is beautiful, but it will show you the opposite of it. How cruel can this world be? - As cruel as no one could ever imagine.

Now, why did I say that the world we are living is so cruel? It’s because it will shock you upon revealing the things that are hard to accept. I need not to outline those things, it up to you to think what those things are. For me, rejections, denials, goodbye’s, being misunderstood by others, seeing adult movies and failure are the things that most likely will shock me...

And I must admit, all those things happened to me and it really shocked the hell out of me. I was not ready to accept all of those things, but the experience I encountered made me strong to accept those, even it kills me deep inside. But even though I didn’t like all of those things, I still manage to think that without those things I encountered, I may not be the person I am today.

The Person I am Today...

The Point of a Doubt

2009-11-06T04:34:00.000-08:00

Speaking of close and good friends... There came a time that I have come to know friends that really became close to me... But not all of them are close to me at once. Some took months, some took a year, and some took 2 years. Nevertheless, it didn’t matter to me whether or not we became friends for a short period of time, what matters most is that they are real to me... Be real... That’s right, they must be real so that we can become good friends and our friendship will last forever- or maybe not forever, but for a long period of time.

There was this girl whom I became so close to... She was really the first close friend I have ever had. She’s nice and very helpful and intelligent too. She was a hardworking student and her personality is good too. I was never attached to her, by the way. I could define our friendship as an air... You can feel it, but you can’t see it. I don’t know why I’d define it like that, but that’s the most appropriate term to describe it. No more, no less. Anyway, going back to the point of this story, she showed me that everything in this world can not just be acquired with just one swipe of your hand; you must also work for it. Working is tiresome, but achieving what you have worked hard is worth it. This is what I have told myself after learning that she is definitely right. For me to achieve my goals in life, I must work hard for it. How poignant could my life be? At 2^nd year high school, everything seemed to mean a lot to me, knowing her made me look for greater things that my mind could ever imagine... I started looking things beyond what I can see... It changed the outlook in my life... And I loved it... I enjoyed it....

You can like the way you’re living...

You can live the way you like...

...Nowadays...

A song in the movie “Chicago” made an impression to me. Yes, the lyrics are definitely right... For me, it means that you are empowered by the choices you make. It’s up to you whether to make your life miserable or not. It all depends on you.

If you don’t want life to play tricks around you, then you must not play tricks with it. You must respect yourself and have prudence in life.

“Prudence is a virtue... But it’s not mine.”

Someone from my life said that, only, Patience is the real word--- not Prudence. But anyways, let’s just go back to the point. As what I have said earlier, Prudence is needed in your life, but it never really works for me- I never tried though. I play safe, but not having the “Prudence” needed in my life...

...And so I learned the biggest lesson I have ever learned. Mistakes count even a little one- it changes you and makes you mad. It will make you regret everything. And I did really regret something in my life. There came a time that something in my life made me ask a question- a question that I can’t seem to find the answer. What I believe is that the question I am facing is not to be answered by just a simple Yes or No. Not by the shook of my head, and not by the expression of my face... It is to be answered with lots of courage in myself- and so this question had not been answered by yours truly. And even though I faced lots of questions when I was a kid, it seemed that my experience is not really enough to find the right words to answer the question: “Who am I?”

Assumptions

2009-11-06T04:30:00.000-08:00

Goodbye... That is the last thing I ever wanted to hear... But just like what I have stated earlier, you’ll never know when it will end... You will just wake up realizing that you have less than an hour to get the knack out of it... Yes, you’re all right, after 2 years of waiting for her-and finally succeeded gaining her attention as more than friends- there will come a time that you will now have to say goodbye whether you like it or not...Time goes by so quickly that you will never have the most of time being with the one you love. It’s as if you can no longer grasp her and stop her from going away... It’s as if the memories you have shared will just be gone... gone with the wind... Gone with the sacrifice you have made when you are still waiting for her... Of course, it hurts, but it made me stronger and taught me a lesson I could never ever forget... Still, I don’t blame her for leaving me; we are not really dating or something- I never courted her... We just enjoyed being together. That’s all. Don’t get too attached if you are not sure what’s in store for you... And yes! I learned from that, for the first time, to never ever be so attached to someone who will make me hurt myself again...

That is when I felt isolated... All of my sacrifices have been turned into waste. But life moves on. It must, whatever it takes. I learned to cope up with it and started not getting too involved with the girl- I mean it! I just make them my friends, so that nobody can ever hurt me again...

At 5th grade- no one ever caught my attention. They were all just students around me. I don’t mind them, they do the same thing too- or maybe there are some who adores me, but who the hell cares? – “I do...”

At 6th grade, there was this one girl who made me special, but it was not the same feeling that I first felt for the first girl I have ever loved... This new girl showed me that no man’s an island. I have to live with some motivation in life... Waking up and thinking for someone I care for... But honestly, maybe I didn’t really love her, maybe through the process of our friendship; I began developing myself to her... But this feeling is so short-lived... I suddenly forgot her after a year, after turning 12... Maybe she was hurting deep inside because I left her- but she doesn’t need to- we were not really engaged or something. It was just a mutual understanding, nothing more than that. Maybe you are asking why I am being so cold. Well, for me, mutual understanding is the point when the two of you know each other very well, you can share secrets, problems, and doubts, but there’s still no strings attached. No expectations to expect. It was just the enjoyment of being together. Nothing more, nothing less...

Because of that incident, I started idolizing myself and started getting attached to myself... Vain- That’s the word that would best describe me when I’m on the state of idolizing myself... But I really enjoy it, and made it a motivation... I became confident, but not too much. Of course, I’m still playing safe for the benefit of not hurting myself again... I started liking living with it... All alone and alone at all... Maybe I changed because I was too affected by my parent’s problems when I was 11... My mother had to leave my Dad and we had to move in with our Grandmother’s, my Dad’s mother, house. Of course, my Mom went with us; we could not bear living without her. Because of their problems, I really changed a lot but I never showed it to my family or friends-if I ever had one. I just kept it to myself. I never shared problems again since that incident. But not for long, because I met this 3rd girl in my life that changed my perspective in life when I turned 12...

Love at First Sight

That is right, when I entered 1st year High School, I saw this girl who made my heart skipped like heaven, just like what the first girl in my life made me feel... Both love at first sight... Both I really adored so much... They were the same; only, the first one is the most important girl to me, because she was the first one who showed me what true love is all about... Anyways, let’s just leave the past behind for now, this is the portion for the 3rd girl in my life... She was nice, confident, intelligent, and beautiful. They were really the same; the only difference is that this girl is the first one whom I courted... Yes! You heard me right, courted her. You might be asking why I courted her, it’s because I am too confident that she will most likely fall in love with me... I showed her that I was nice, entertaining, understanding and the likes of it... And guess what?

...

...

...

You guessed it right! –Am I not?- Oh well... She DUMPED me! She really did! And so, once again, I became so miserable... Another goodbye in my life made me so down and unhappy... She was the first girl who turned her back and me. She dumped me because another person was courting her. I cried, a little. I think I only cried for just about a minute when I finally realized that she’s not worth it. I must move on and go on with my life. My family even thought that I was just pretending not to be hurt to save my pride, but they are wrong. I really did move on. And I am very happy with that. I learned another lesson in life- Goodbye’s are not meant to lead you to suicidal; it is meant to make you realize that people may go and stay, but it is still up to you whether or not to accept the changes...

Aside from this, I still had been into several arguments. Still, many people have doubts on me. They still carry the grudge that I once had buried long time ago. But I never mind them of course. I know that they will just ruin my day, so my best recourse is just not to mind them at all. Pretend that they never exist...

But I have had a hard time getting them away from my mind, because I don’t have anything to shift my attention to. I don’t have good and close friends to tell my problems and all that stuffs...

A World I wanted...

2009-11-06T04:24:00.000-08:00

I really don’t know how it started; it just became my own intuition of myself... It was nothing... I said to myself, but I didn’t realize that it would change my life... and it may ruin it for the rest of my living days on Earth... You may think that what I am writing down here are all tricks, but I am presenting you some evidences to prove that I am telling the truth, and my verdict will be- guilty beyond reasonable doubt... and Death is the sentence I mostly deserve. Don’t listen to those who pull you down because they are not worthy of your time... This is the motto I have been putting inside my mind whenever I hear people who talk shit about me... But that motto didn’t give me any help... As a kid, fighting for my own good is not my mission, my role is just to go with the flow and just watch them; don’t mind them- I remind myself... Everyday, I wake up with a smile on my face, never minding the people around me... Just my family, my friends, and my toys... Every morning, I wake up early just to play our Nintendo game or sometimes, our Super Nintendo- you might as well know that we don’t own PlayStation yet in the early 1990’s- and it just makes me happy... My Mom would always tell me that I have to study before playing, but what can I do; I’m just a kid with nothing to do with my life but to play! But oh, well, going back to the point, my Mom is the one who always comforts me and the one who’s always besides me when I am feeling down, that is why I became so attached to her that I always tell her my problems... my dreams... and my thoughts...

Yes... Those three really made me think of myself, not my toys, not my friends, partly my family, but most especially- me... But before I start with my very entertaining story-if you’ll ask me, it’s very entertaining; I just don’t know if you’ll feel the same way too- I think it will be formal if I will introduce myself first to you. I am just like all of you-Human, an ordinary name, but with a different twist in my life; sucks doesn’t it? So you can just call me any name you want that will most likely suit your preferences. But let me just remind you that I am a man, with dignity and honour; I guess. Anyway, what I will be telling now are part of my life when I was about 6 or 7, that is what I can remember, and till I reach the age I am now... I don’t need to describe myself anymore, it wouldn’t make any change at all whether I’m ugly or not, whether I’m thin or fat, or whether I’m intelligent or not... What matters most is that I am telling you everything that I can remember... You can skip this part if you feel like it... and I am prepared by your comments after reading or while reading this story.

Let me start this now...

My Thoughts... When I was 7 years old, I thought that there’s something missing in my life or that there’s something wrong in me... I thought that there are so many things that I still have to know that would mean so much importance to me. Also, I thought that the people around me never care for me at all- that hurts me, but what can I do? I can never please everyone. That is why I always ask my Mom’s comfort and my other Nanay who took good care of me when I was just a baby and who’s been beside me until I was 12 years old... My shattered thoughts became beautiful thoughts when I am beside them... Because I felt so safe that no one can ever harm me or tell shit about me... I don’t understand the way people think, but I can understand that I am not one of them... And that is when I realize that I really need to know what I must do to please them... To make them feel that I am not what they think I am... I became the person that I feel I am not and wouldn’t be... But still, just for the sake of pleasing them, I showed myself that I really am not... But as a kid, I don’t care about it, I just want to catch their attention... Their attention pleasures me... And the pleasure satisfies me... But it was just short-lived, because I suddenly thought that even though I already pleased everyone, I will still live in a world that I made but never wanted... A world full of lies and make-believe... Full of hatred, hypocrisy, hope, and without love...

My Dreams... My Dreams became so important to me after realizing that I really shouldn’t please anyone... That even I try to, I never will... So I started dreaming big... I wanted to go abroad and all that stuff... I wanted to make my family happy and live with the rich and famous in the industry... I wanted to make them feel that I care for them... That is my dream... To see them smile because I am doing my very best to achieve it...

My Problems... Alright, so I think I have been out to the point of my confessions here... So I’ll start the important facts of my life... As a kid, I had so many problems in life, other than toys, of course... I have had several arguments with my friends and the people around me, sometimes, I enter into fights just to prove that I can defend myself... but deep inside, I am afraid... Afraid that I won’t be able to do so and people will began to look me with laughter in their faces, and shame drawn in my face... The problems, I know, is so hard to solve, especially when you don’t know how to solve it... I have had hard times getting the problems out of my mind, but with the help of the people who care for me, I learned to let go of the problems I have in mind and just to smile whenever I find it hard... and to try again and again until I learn how to solve it...

This had been the three essential requisites that helped influenced my character… But as a kid, I always forget these three requisites in my life… Because my attention always shifts whenever there are things happening around me that satisfies me…

And speaking of satisfaction… There was this young girl who satisfied me... It was a love at first sight... She was the one who made me feel that I am not alone in this world… I felt that… But I know she doesn’t… But no matter what, I still adore her for being who she is… And for showing me that everything in this world will try you… Will make you firm… And will tell you that not anyone can be yours… But they can be, if they are really meant for you… Every time she talks, it motivates me to impress her- well, you couldn’t blame me- she was the first one who made my heart skip like heaven, such a cliché- and make her recognize that I exist in her world… Well, she knows I exist- literally- because I’m one of her closest friend when we were in 2^nd grade, but what I mean is that I want her to recognize me as someone who loves her… I know, she will recognize it… I just have to wait, no matter how long it will take… And it really did take so long… But when you’re in love, time seemed so short; you’ll never know when it will end… You’ll never know when it will hurt… And you’ll never know why you are still waiting. But the most important thing that I know when you’re in love is that “Time is just a split of seconds; one minute won’t satisfy you; an hour would make you ask for more; months would make you excited; and years will make you love her more and more…” And that proved me right… I did love her… So much that I am willing to sacrifice anything just for her… Just for her...

Life is a Glitch...

2009-11-06T03:58:00.000-08:00

I changed a lot.

From a simple person, to one who believes that life is really full of glitch, sometimes full of shit. I grew up knowing that having many friends will make my life happy and I was right, but I soon realized that having many friends do not add up to my happiness, it is, in fact, make me feel so awful and terrible. Why is that so? It is because I try to earn as many friends, but never did I bother to pick the real ones.

“The curtains unfold to the greatest story I have ever told. Now, I no longer have to bear with what I have been thinking. I have already given the most important secret I have been keeping to the friends I have. Tonight, at this very moment, I surrender my innocence-if that’s the most appropriate term to use- or almost as if I have made it gone with the wind. The labyrinth of my journey has come to an end as it finally takes its step to what lies toward me. Tonight, I am no longer afraid of any labefaction for I have had enough of it and I no longer need it; the failure isn’t as bad as it may seems for it goes swiftly back and forth at you- maybe I was just numb to feel it though or I am just so used to it. Tonight, I won’t be lackadaisical of the problems and troubles that I will be facing for I feel so secured of what I have and will be having now. I need to change! And that change means not to be la-di-da, and I am willing to try my best! I am officially leaving those who do not deserve me and those that I felt I do not deserve- so you people ‘you know who you are’- don’t go asking me the reason why I am doing this, because I won’t, not even bother, tell you what lacked and caused this change. The innocence may be gone, but the memory still remains... This is no time to be dramatic but I feel that I am losing so much time on being someone that I know I’m not and wouldn’t be. The night closes its doors and so I am!”

This is the goodbye text message that I sent to my friends, or so I thought. One incident happened to me that made me feel so alone and awkward- leaving me into nothingness full of broken pieces of the puzzle that I think must solve- an understatement. I felt so ashamed of myself after seeing that I was living in a world full of make-believe. Hatred is the first thing I have felt when I was brought back to reality by the pain that struck me, the truth really hurts, I know, but I was never prepared to face it so soon. I never know how that pain could come really close that I have started hurting myself and become so miserable. I didn’t know what to do, and so I had to say goodbye to all those who never believed in me and never remembered me every other day. Anguish is the next thing I felt, feeling betrayed by my friends whom I treasured so much and gave so much attention and love. I never did confront them... All I ever did was to say goodbye and change my number without telling them so. I was in grave sorrow that is why... I don’t know what else to do, because I am so miserable that time. What I did was to seek for comfort with the remaining true friends that I have, and so I thought once again. Stupidity is the great word I could ever compare myself to- So close... So close... This is what I am feeling one week after I have come to the realization that not all my friends are really my friends... Are you kidding me? This is another question I have been asking myself for a week. I don’t know why, but it seems that I could not grasp for the right answer that would fit in with that question. After feeling betrayed once again, I felt that I don’t have anything remaining in me, and so I have to go back to the nest where I can be safe from harm and pain...

I have felt many things this week- the realization of things up to another- but never did I ask myself the real question that I really should have asked myself... Why am I being so affected? Is it because I don’t feel so secured of what I have now? Yes! I am doubtful... So much that I could not tell the others the real reason why I am changing. Why I am feeling so depressed to the point of exaggerating the things that are happening to me. Or maybe, I just really can’t find the reason how to tell them the truth... The truth that only 5 persons know...

One... The first one whom I entrusted my greatest secret is to my friend who became so close to me that we never had secrets from each other anymore... He is the one who is always there to comfort me when I always feel so sad and down. He really is my friend even though we had several arguments back then. We were friends since I was 15 and he’s about 16. Classmates... He was always there that I felt so safe to tell him everything.... But not everything... not until I reached 17 and he was 18... I told him what had been bothering me and pestering my life. And guess what? He was never ashamed of me... He never was... That is why I became so attached to him that I promised him I will always treasure our friendship... I will... I am willing to... I was willing to.... I am no longer willing to...

Two... After having confided myself from my closest friend, I felt I am no longer afraid of telling my other friend about the same thing I have told to the One. This other friend showed me that even afar, you can still earn real friends that will never ever bring you down. I saw it from him... My so called older brother- literally speaking- he was 6 years older than me. I never thought we will become friends for I didn’t know him personally, just by some chatting site... I was taking my chances, finding another friend to keep... And he was there.... He opened his arms and accepted me as his friend... A real one... Never did I imagine that someone will open his arms open that I could just flung my arms around him and wrap him with my warm embrace. Silly me... But I really have to admit that I am really silly when it comes to things like this... And the time came that I felt that this person needs to know the truth too, and so again, I confessed, what should be confessed- and guess what? He accepted me! Coincidence... I guess not... Maybe he’s just so open minded that he doesn’t mind any defects about me... And I am very happy to get to know him... He was happy to know me... I guess so... I am just guessing... I was really guessing.... I was just taking chances to be free...

Three... A year after the two subsequent confessions I have made, - or is that just a year or about a year? - Well maybe just about a year after it, I have come to know this girl, - or should I say a woman- because she was 20 when I knew her, when I confessed the top secret of my life... I never told her by the way, she first guessed it, and that is when I told her that she guessed right... We were talking about this sex thing and then I just suddenly asked her something making her think that there’s something wrong with me. And so I told her that she’s right... She was right from the very start of our conversation. But, oh anyway! I was never afraid to tell her the truth, because she’s really close to me... Like my older sister, that is... And I’m happy for having her, because she never told me that she was ashamed of me- or maybe she was- but I really never know... I just want to settle with things around me as peaceful as possible... What matters most is, that I’m only human...I am not perfect... I make mistakes- a lot. But I learn from it- a little.

The 4th and the 5th ones were my real high school friends, and they were the only ones who knows my darkest secret, and I am glad I did tell them.

I admit, I lost too many friends because of my exaggerated emotions, but I am glad I really did stop communicating with them, because I don't want to see them anymore.
But the question still remains here... Why am I being so affected? Are there any drastic changes in my life? Or is it because I’m still afraid that people might misjudge me? Well, for me to answer these questions, I need to start from the very beginning of my life’s journey... And I am hoping to find the right answers, so that I will not feel this pain anymore and so that I will be free to all the questions that almost everyone are throwing at me.

I Promise to Pay...

2009-11-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

I couldn't get people's logic why they pretend to be rich, when in fact, they are not. I know it is okay to spend some money if you really have some savings, but why do they have to spend it with things that are not important for them. I spend money, but I know for a fact that I spend what I really save. Why do this certain person have to pretend that she is a rich girl? Maybe because she's studying on one of the well-known school here in the Philippines, but I doubt it! Maybe she's just shy to let her friends see that she's not what they really see. My GOD! Why does she need to cry when her father hasn't sent any money yet to cover her tuition expenses that amount to 63,000 pesos? She can just give a promissory note to her school, but she doesn't want to. Maybe she's just shy to let her friends see that she doesn't have any money to enroll. I don't even get her logic. She already knew her father does not have the means to give their allowances and money to spend on time, because his father does not have any stable job in the U.S., yet, she spends so much money for her god damn caprices!

Snow Shit and the Gold Digger Dwarf

2009-11-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

REPOST

Snow Shit and the Gold-Digger Dwarf!

Posted at 08:07 AM on June 11, 2009

I am really mad tonight! Snow Shit and that Dwarf really destroyed my day. Why? First of all, they are acting as if our apartment are theirs. Come on, god damn it! Her family are so thick-skinned that even my classmates get so fucking mad at them! Snow Shit acts as if she's the owner of our apartment, when in fact, she's not even paying for its rent. She watches the T.V. everyday from Game Ka na Ba until Precious Hearts Romances and then opens it before May Bukas pa and closes it after SNN, damn! I can't understand why she can't even stand missing any episode of Wowowee, Kambal sa Uma, PHR, May Bukas Pa, Only You, Tayong Dalawa and SNN ( She's a Blabbermouth!). I really fucking hate her! The dwarf acts as if she's rich (damn gold digger!) and even asks her father (my mother's brother) money because she doesn't want her classmates to know that she's just a little poor bitch!

So why am I mad at them? How did they destroy my day? Well, first of all, I don't intend watching Channel 2 all day for Christ's sake! Of course, I wanted to watch HBO, Discovery Channel, Crime Investigation and the likes of it. So I first let that Snow Shit to finish watching Wowowee, her favorite noon time show! Because I know that she will get so depressed if she missed any episode of that fucking show (watch my sarcasm!). So when wowowee was already finished, I decided to change the channel and watched Crime Investigation because that Snow Shit is reading a pocket -full of shit- book. How could she watch Kambal sa Uma and read that pocket book at the same time? Multi tasking? Then damn her! So, I was really enjoying watching Crime Investigation because it tackles the notorious MS13 gang in the United States, and I was really interested listening to the story, when that Snow Shit suddenly said "Kambal sa Uma na", but I didn't mind her. FUCK HER for that! Kambal sa Uma na!- then stop reading that fucking pocket book!

So I was really getting irritated at that time. So much that I wanted to yell at them and say SHUT UP! This is not your apartment God damn it! But good thing I was able to control my anger (in the first place, I am not sure if I can really say that to them). So I think it was already 3:30 this afternoon when her daughter a.k.a dwendita (dwarf) yelled at me- Yves, ilipat mo na nga yan kambal sa uma na! FUCK YOU! You're in no position to yell at me! And wait, why the hell are you ordering me to do such thing? Am I working for you? No, I don't, you stupid bitch! I don't work for anyone! I am really pissed off that time. I wanted to tell her- Why the hell are you yelling at me? Are you the only one who has the right to watch the TV (which was basically ours)? No, you're not the owner of it! I would understand such things if our family is not paying the rent, but HELL NO! We are the one who's paying the rent so we OWN this apartment!

Damn! I am really mad and I was almost at the point of yelling at them so I just decided to let them be. I turned the channel back to Channel 2 and that dwarf asked me "Oh paano sya nakabalik dyan?" and the likes of it. I know she was asking me but I didn't answer her question. I just hurriedly took my food and went upstairs. I sent a text message to my classmates and told them what happened, and based on their ideas, I suddenly realized that I was such a fool to let them watch Channel 2 again, so I decided to take the cable of our internet connection and put it on OUR laptop here upstairs and locked myself in the vacant room and spend my time here alone since 4 p.m. So, I'm letting them get bored without any internet downstairs while I am busy surfing the net, playing poker, chatting with my friends, and doing this blog. This is my revenge for what they did!

But let me tell you this, they are all hypocrites and would really make your anger rise whenever you hear them complain about their caprices in life. (Oh come on, as if they have some credit to spare! They are STUPID, FUCKED OFF! A show off to that kind!) Soon, I will also reveal how irritating they are, and for sure, it will really make you get mad at them! I ASSURE YOU!

LOVE

2009-11-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

Everytime i say to myself that I've had so much of love, I can't help thinking about the past that i really wanted to forget, everytime I see people who are heartbroken, the memories come back to me and it piss me off! everytime i remember her, I ask myself what would have happened if i fight for her? if i waited her? Would I be happy now? i guess not, coz today, i realized that I am not yet ready to enter something that would take lot of courage... I am not yet ready to be engulfed by the pleasure of having someone to be called a partner, to be with somebody that I love... The thing is, I can't imagine myself loving though I experienced so many rejections... I don't know what to do and every time my friends ask me about my past, i don't know what to say, I can't find the exact words to tell them that I've completely forgotten what happened... The truth is that, i really did forget her, but what makes me speechless is that they are trying to make me remember her who rejected me for the first time...

I am not saying that I don't want to see her or what, In fact, we are still friends until now and shares stories, but everything that goes between us is just friendship,and nothing more... I just wanted her to be my friend... Whenever my teacher taunt me about her, I just smile, but the truth is, I'm mad, because for me, past is past... What I've experienced back there was enough, I don't want to reopen the memories that I once closed long time ago... i just want it to be it... Just let it be and go with our lives... Me being myself and her being herself...

Sometimes...

2009-11-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

I'm bored, that's why I'm writing this.

Well, let me start by saying that things are not as easy as they look like. But nobody seems to know why... Why? Because there are things in this world that make you suck- Discouraging you to become the person you want to be. You dream of something and it makes you happy and you make those dreams the purpose why you wanted to live. As a person, I believe that you can do everything, just as long as you keep on believing that you can do it- you can achieve your goal. Don't get too affected by those who try to bring you down, because they are just too pathetic to make you feel that you are such a failure. Don't be a martyr, because nobody in this world will just stay quiet when they are being stabbed at the back.

Making friends make you feel happy and welcomed. Earn as many friends as you can, and don't judge them as long as you don't know them. Sometimes, people show that they are cold, but when you get to know them, they will prove you wrong. When you make friends, show who you really are. And if they didn't like you, don't push yourself to be their friend, because true friends don't look for the perfect one. Because the escence of being a friend completes your defect and irregularities. They don't blame you for being imperfect but love you for being you and not by living as someone else. When your friend stabs you at the back, fight back! But not by stabbing at her back too, because you're just showing your friend that you're like him/her. Don't cry just by losing a friend, because if they really are your friends, they will come back, and say sorry for their mistakes or forgive you for whatever you have done wrong.

Love is something that you can never take from someone else. We are born to share love and to be loved. Love someone with all your heart and don't believe in fairy tales and happy endings. Because you might expect too much and get hurt when somebody will hurt you. Just love someone, and if that someone won't love you back, then just love him/her as a friend. If you will be heart broken, cry for a little while, but don't waste your time grieving for your loss. Remember, he/she's not the last person in this world. Just take this in mind, that your true love and happiness will come and stay. Just as long as you will love that person and don't make him/her feel that he/she's being commanded.

When you lost someone and you already know that the someone you lost will never be coming back. Stay strong and don't feel so alone. You can cry... You can be sad... You can feel being left alone, but just for a while. Don't pity your self for being left, because that's the worst thing a person can ever do to himself. Don't feel that you are the cause why that someone left you. Remember that everything in this world has a reason. And that reason will be revealed to you...SOON...

It All Comes with a Price...

2009-11-05T10:09:00.001-08:00

First of all, I would like to start this by saying that anything you do in this world will always have a price that you must pay. Whether it is good or not or no matter what people do, you can't change the fact that something might happen to you. Who knows what that is; it maybe something terrible or something unexpected, right? People tend to do the right thing because they believe in karma, while some others tend to be bad because they just don't care. However, I would just like to tell you guys that I don't believe in karma, but I don't do nasty things that I know I would regret in the future. I just do things because I know it is the right thing to do. No more. No less. I wrote this note to discuss a specific matter to you guys, and just like what the title says "It all comes with a price", but I would just like to limit the topic by saying that I want to discuss bitterness. So to those people who may be thinking that they are among those people who are bitter nowadays, you are free to hit the Home button on the upper right corner of this screen and don't dare to comeback, because what you will read here will mostly would really hit you. It's about all of you, it all circles around you.

At first, I decided not to give any comments about it because I just don't want to make this issue become a big deal and because I'm not a party involved, however, as time passes by, I realized that I shouldn't have had kept my mouth shut from the very beginning, I realized this is the moment to tell everyone that what you are hearing are all lies. If you believe those shit, then how dare you call yourself one of his/her friends!

Why are bitter people so obnoxious to the extent that you hurt other people's feelings? Why do you hate others by their mistakes, without even proving that they really are to be blamed? Why are you pretending to be good while telling the others that your "former friend" is bad? Why do you stab people at their back? These are just questions in my mind that I really want to answer. And I planned to write this note to find it out. As I begin typing these words, I realized how pitiful those people who try to be pretenders, those people who think they are the kings and queens of the world. I loathe them and I could not even hide my anger at them.

I admit that I became bitter once, but it was a long time ago. But never did I hurt other people's feelings. I just moved on. That's what we really are supposed to do, right? I don't try to blame others because of their mistakes, I try not to. I hate them, of course, but not to the extent that I make stories just to suffice my desire to hate them. I hate them because I have proven that they are to be blamed, that they really made a mistake. People know that, I know they can relate to me. But what matters me the most is that, why do bitter people make stories? Why do people pull down those people whom they thought did them wrong? Why not search for proof first, rather than jumping into conclusions? I couldn't even get their logic.

To those people who try to make stories just for the sake of destroying other people's name, please STOP. You won't earn friends by doing that, you would rather earn enemies. I know you don't even care about that, but damn you for hurting other people's feelings. If you blame other people, try to justify it first so you would have better explanations than what you said before. I know why you stab their back; it is because you are damn frightened that they will fight for their rights. Fight fair!

"Ang kapal naman ng mukha mo!”

“Mali ka!”

“Baliw”

“Hindi… totoo!”

Don’t even try to use such words because you are only pointing at yourself! Ikaw ang makapal ang mukha. Ikaw ang mali. Ikaw ang baliw. Yun ang totoo! If you think you are right, then think twice dear. You are absolutely wrong! I know why you are bitter! Well, sorry, not everyone would meet your expectations! Don’t get me wrong, but this is the truth. This is reality. Whether you like it or not, you are damned here! So stop the balderdash jokes you are saying, because it’s not helping you grow, it‘s rather helping you become miserable. Why don’t you fight people who are ready to fight you back? Why not try others; there are many of us who want to tell you how horrible you are. Or maybe, many would even want to spit at your face and the likes of it. But we are not like you. We won’t do anything bad; we know everything has its price. We’re just waiting for it. Try not to let your guard down, try not to think that you already won the battle, because we’re just starting--- staring the play you thought had already ended. Don't worry, this isn't a threath, I'm just stating facts.

Whenever I hear stories about those bitter people (the ones who makes stories and other stuff), I always pity them. I try not to be mad at them because I was not a party. I just listen to their stories. I support my friends who are in need. I don't want to name names though; I'll just leave the story like this. No names so that those BITTER people won't have anything against me, or to my friends.

Sad Movies

2009-06-27T07:10:00.000-07:00

"Sad Movies always make me cry..."

This song made an impression to me, not because I had the same experience as what the lyrics tell, but because I have realized that our life is just like any other movies. We are the ones who act as the main character and whatever we do will be the plot of the story. Everyone of us has a different story to tell, some are good, but some are bad. We never know what went wrong if our story didn't turn up the way we expect them to be until we have realized what we did from the very beginning. But we can't do anything about it- we all just say that we must go with the flow to be able to move on. We all know that we can't turn back time nor can we forsee the future... So let me just say this, don't be ashamed of your story no matter how it ended.

Here is one story which I want to share with you. I have a friend who became close to me when I was on my first year in San Beda College. We were really close, and so we had many conversations, some were memories, gossips, jokes, and LOVE STORIES. And there was this one story which really made me curious and so eager to know that I always ask her to spill everything out. And she did...

She told me that she has a bestfriend that's been courting her for months, or maybe a year (I just can remember the exact details), they were childhood friends, and for sure, they already know the likes and dislikes of each other. She told me how thet met, how they became friends, and how their love started. Obviously, their love started as friends that soon grew into a more interesting and mature love for each other. I could say that they are really meant for each other. But destiny really plays its card when you don't expect it. Her bestfriend left for the United States with his family and continued his studies there. They were separated, but the courting never stopped. But if her best friend didn't left the Philippines, then everything will still be okay. Their communication stopped and reached its end. And by the word END means the end of everything... The communication stopped, together with the courting, and they love they both shared. Why is that so? Because her best friend took his final breath, closed his eyes, and never came back again.

My friend, of course, was in shock and in pain upon learning that her best friend already left her and will never be coming back. She will no longer hear his voice, see him smile or cry, hug him, comfort him, and see him together with her having a good time. The happy memories with him suddenly crashed into its final blow and just like any other broken vase, will never be able to put together without its other parts that has been lost together with her best friend. The most painful part for her is that she was not able to tell her best friend that she loved him more than a friend. In fact, she was about to answer her best friend sometime in January 2008, but her best friend died a week before that. How ironic could our life be? Problems always occur when you are already ready to be happy.

"And in the middle of the colored cartoon I started to cry..."

This is the part where she can no longer pretend that she's happy of what happened to her story. Her story ended in a way that no one ever wanted to happen to them. The darkness took a part of her that will be stuck in the place where nothing exist but broken dreams... And yet, in any other circumstances thereof, she will never be able to forget how her tsory ended so BAD... so BAD that it makes her cry... Just by thinking that her LOVE STORY will only become ONCE UPON A TIME...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her story is very interesting for me, because I watched how happy she is whenever she talks something about her bestfriend when he was still alive. I know she's strong, and she's already moved on. It has been a year and a half since the incident happened, and she knows that it's already time to move on... But even though her bestfriend is gone, her love for him will never cease...

How Can I Pretend?

2009-06-27T07:05:00.001-07:00

"How can I pretend that I don't know what's going on? When every second, every minute, another soul is gone..."

This is the song of Destiny's Child that only made sense to me. I can hardly laugh at this song, because it tells part of my life which I already left, or perhaps, there's still some remaining inside of me that is very hard to let go. Why is that so? Because of connections between the two of you. I always ask myself, how could I ever move on when the people around me wants to make everything right. But I cannot answer that question, because I know it's unfair to blame them, them-not knowing what really caused the change and what the problem really is. I tell myself every second, must I problem the problem I am encountering now? Or must I just let it go? I want to choose the second option, but part of me can't do so. I'm helpless when it comes to this. I lose my concentration and what I have already chosen to do. I can't help but to get mad at myself. I always blame myself and tell "HOW CAN YOU NOT JUST FORGET ABOUT IT! MOVE ON!" And upon telling that, I just smile and say that I am already moving on, I'm just taking precautions so that I won't encounter any problems anymore...

But how could I do so? I'm really prone to problems... I already left many of my friends since I was a kid, and got only few to trust. Some of them- which I don't still know whether it is right to trust them. I know I'm being selfish about my decisions, on blaming the others who really didn't know anything, but I know this is for the better... I don't need to pretend anymore, I lost too many friends, few whom I put my trust to but betrayed me in the end, lost too many innocent ones... And I might still lose some in the future... But no matter what happens from now on, I know I'm prepared for the consequences of my every action. I'm slowly realizing the things I thought I had for 18 years... And I am now ready to accept my destiny together with the people I love - to those who are my TRUE and LOYAL friends... I don't care whether I lost too many, what matters most is that I kept the REAL ones...

Malignant or Benign?

2009-06-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Malignant or Benign?

Posted at 09:03 AM on May 02, 2009

----THIS IS A Re-Post from my site xyzresurgam.tk----

I have an auntie named Elizabeth Ferrer Maesa who has this so-called "Tumor" that's been burdening her these past few months. She's been in and out at St' Luke's Medical Center and had been spending thousands of pesos for her operation. Hopefully, what she spent was all worth it, the tumor has been safely removed from her nose, but there was still some left for it is too painful and she may not take it anymore. The doctors told us that she (my Auntie) has Spindle Cell Tumor but she doesn't have to worry about it, not until the doctors see her biopsy (which really took so long until now). She was glad, of course, and her family, including us, were relieved to know that. But the doctor told us that we must hope that her tumor is not malignant, because if it is, then , my Auntie must undergo chemotherapy to prevent the cancer from spreading.

When we went home, my Mom researced more about the Spindle Cell Tumor and found out that many cases show that the tumor is Malignant... But NO! I won't believe it until I hear what the doctors will say, and I am really hoping for the better. My Auntie is now 57, has two children, and a loving husband. And if her tumor is malignant, it would be a burden to her and would cause her misery. She's afraid to die! Who else is NOT?! right?! We are praying that the tumor is not Malignant because we love her, and we don't want her to suffer. One of my Uncles (father side) died of Leukemia way back in the early 70's, my Grandfather (father side) died in the year 1997. And we can't take seeing another one leave. I know I'm talking way too fast even though we are not sure what the result of her biopsy will be, but I'm just being too emotional upon hearing her case. We are all praying fof her (Father side) and even my mother's relatives are also praying for her.

My message for her is that she must never lose faith in God no matter what happens. I know I'm not a religious person, but I can be one just for the sake of saving another life. We are hoping that the result will show that your tumor is Benign/not Malignant. And we are hoping that you will have a healthy life. Stay happy Aunti!