How Can I Pretend?

"How can I pretend that I don't know what's going on? When every second, every minute, another soul is gone..."

This is the song of Destiny's Child that only made sense to me. I can hardly laugh at this song, because it tells part of my life which I already left, or perhaps, there's still some remaining inside of me that is very hard to let go. Why is that so? Because of connections between the two of you. I always ask myself, how could I ever move on when the people around me wants to make everything right. But I cannot answer that question, because I know it's unfair to blame them, them-not knowing what really caused the change and what the problem really is. I tell myself every second, must I problem the problem I am encountering now? Or must I just let it go? I want to choose the second option, but part of me can't do so. I'm helpless when it comes to this. I lose my concentration and what I have already chosen to do. I can't help but to get mad at myself. I always blame myself and tell "HOW CAN YOU NOT JUST FORGET ABOUT IT! MOVE ON!" And upon telling that, I just smile and say that I am already moving on, I'm just taking precautions so that I won't encounter any problems anymore...

But how could I do so? I'm really prone to problems... I already left many of my friends since I was a kid, and got only few to trust. Some of them- which I don't still know whether it is right to trust them. I know I'm being selfish about my decisions, on blaming the others who really didn't know anything, but I know this is for the better... I don't need to pretend anymore, I lost too many friends, few whom I put my trust to but betrayed me in the end, lost too many innocent ones... And I might still lose some in the future... But no matter what happens from now on, I know I'm prepared for the consequences of my every action. I'm slowly realizing the things I thought I had for 18 years... And I am now ready to accept my destiny together with the people I love - to those who are my TRUE and LOYAL friends... I don't care whether I lost too many, what matters most is that I kept the REAL ones...