I didn't want my first note for this year to be so dramatic, because I don't want to be sad, however, I suddenly felt the need to express my feelings toward something very important to me and to my family. I wrote a note entitled "Why do Married Men" last year because I wanted to express my stand with regard to having an illicit relationship. Many people agreed because we all have the same feelings toward it. I know I've hurt people when I wrote that, because I was too harsh with the words I have written, and I would just like to say sorry again. I don't want to open this topic again because I felt it's too much for me and I can't take any of this bullshit again, but I just said to myself that if I won't voice out my thoughts, then, maybe, I may just kill myself because of the hatred and pain that I have been feeling. Back then, our family seemed to be a perfect family set for a perfect movie. We were so happy, until someone named Nerissa came into our lives and destroyed everything! My Dad introduced us to her as our beloved Tita, and as kids, we don't even care who the hell she really was, all our Dad told us was that she was his gym-mate. Again, we didn't care. We accepted her as if she's really a friend of us. Little did we know that she was already having an illicit relationship with Dad. How did we know? Simply because of just some reasons. Reasons which I can never forget.
1) Daddy suddenly bought a new cellphone which he didn't want us to use. He said he's the only one who can use it.
2) Daddy gave my older brother a new phone ( Smart Subscriber Plan), and when my older brother inquired about the owner of the cellular phone he was using. He first asked if the owner was Danilo Ferrer, but the operator told him that Danilo Ferrer was not the registered owner, but Nerissa. Oh crap! What a friend!
3) I was at school back then when I suddenly realized I forgot my P.E Uniform, so I sent a message to my Dad asking him to bring me my P.E. Uniform, but after a minute or two of waiting, I decided to call him. Somebody answered the phone, but it was not my Dad. I heard a voice of a girl! Damn it!
4) My Mom heard rumors about my Dad dating another woman, and she confronted my Dad.
You see, our family almost broke up because of that woman named Nerissa! There were times that I just woke up hearing my parents yell at each other. I even see my Mom leave their room and preferred to sleep outside our house. There also came a time that my Mom started to grew tired of my Dad that she started packing her things, and told us to come with her. Of course, I didn't think twice, I don't want to live with my Dad! I even saw my older brother crying because my parents were fighting, but I didn't care. I just said to myself, what would will the crying do to us? It can't save my parent's relationship. What's lacking is their love for each other, not some petty cries from us. Many things happened that almost broke our family. My Dad even promised my Mom that he won't be seeing his woman again, and so my Mom believed her, but promises were really meant to be broken. And so, the time came, Year 2003, that my Mom decided to leave. She took us to our Paternal Grandmother's house. I thought they were really going to be separated, but my Auntie's decided to fix their relationship, and they succeeded. Mom accepted my Dad's apology, and promised once again that he will not commit the same mistakes he did back then. This time, he didn't lie.
2003... 2004... 2005... My sister and brother went to Manila to study, and my Mom decided to come with them, so I was left with my Dad for that time. No family problems again. No names of Nerissa again. No womanizing. No yelling. Nothing... We all thought that my Dad changed, but when my older sister returned from Manila, she saw some text messages from some unregistered number saying that "Thanks for the sugar, hon! I love you as always!" Damn, we were hurt once again, but we decided not to tell Mom about this. My sister confronted my Dad, but my Dad had his own story. He said he didn't know that number and the likes! We didn't believe him, we know he's cheating again. My sister left Bicol with a heavy heart, and I was left with my Dad again, with loneliness and betrayal. Time flew so quickly that it was already 2006... Just one more year before I graduate. Everything seemed perfect again, but one night, I just heard my Mom and Dad arguing again. I saw my Mom crying while telling my Dad "Nagtatrabaho ako ng maayos dito... Ang masakit dun, maraming tao ang nagsasabi sa akin at pinatatawanan ako na nambababae daw ang asawa ko!" I almost burst into tears, but I managed to control my feelings. I didn't want to hear and saw my Mom crying, so I just decided to sleep, but I couldn't do so. How could I?
2007... I graduated from high school and went to Manila with my Mom. My Dad was left alone. When I returned from Manila during my sem break, I saw a text message on my Dad's phone. It was on his drafts. It read: "Happy 3rd anniversary! You know I love you even though everyone is against our relationship! I'm looking forward to being with you again!" I knew it! My Dad really didn't change. He was still a womanizer. And by that time, I realized, how could I respect this man who doesn't even respect his family. I lost my respect to my Dad, and I started hating him. I couldn't confront him, because I was too weak for that, and I hate myself for being so stupid! I kept that text message to myself, because I don't want my sister, brother, and Mom to be mad at my Dad. I don't want to have problems again.
2008... 2009... Just last year, when we all returned from Manila for our x-mas break, my sister read a text message with someone named "?" on my Dad's phonebook. It read: Nagseselos ako kapag andyan asawa mo, kailan ba tayo magkikita ulit?" Freak! I almost lost my temper there, but I managed to control it. I took the number and started to text it, but the woman didn't reply. The only mystery here is the identity of that woman. But one thing is for sure... She may or may not be Nerissa, but still, she's my Dad's other woman!
I don't know how to confront my Dad, neither do I know how to tell my Mom about this. My sister and I even kept this to my brother because he was reviewing for his board exam on May. I left a letter, and hid it somewhere, and I hope that my Dad will be able to read that. I wrote all my hatred, pain and suffering there. I even told my Dad I hate him and will never be able to gain my respect again. I hate him for being a womanizer, and I hate him for not valuing his family!
1) Daddy suddenly bought a new cellphone which he didn't want us to use. He said he's the only one who can use it.
2) Daddy gave my older brother a new phone ( Smart Subscriber Plan), and when my older brother inquired about the owner of the cellular phone he was using. He first asked if the owner was Danilo Ferrer, but the operator told him that Danilo Ferrer was not the registered owner, but Nerissa. Oh crap! What a friend!
3) I was at school back then when I suddenly realized I forgot my P.E Uniform, so I sent a message to my Dad asking him to bring me my P.E. Uniform, but after a minute or two of waiting, I decided to call him. Somebody answered the phone, but it was not my Dad. I heard a voice of a girl! Damn it!
4) My Mom heard rumors about my Dad dating another woman, and she confronted my Dad.
You see, our family almost broke up because of that woman named Nerissa! There were times that I just woke up hearing my parents yell at each other. I even see my Mom leave their room and preferred to sleep outside our house. There also came a time that my Mom started to grew tired of my Dad that she started packing her things, and told us to come with her. Of course, I didn't think twice, I don't want to live with my Dad! I even saw my older brother crying because my parents were fighting, but I didn't care. I just said to myself, what would will the crying do to us? It can't save my parent's relationship. What's lacking is their love for each other, not some petty cries from us. Many things happened that almost broke our family. My Dad even promised my Mom that he won't be seeing his woman again, and so my Mom believed her, but promises were really meant to be broken. And so, the time came, Year 2003, that my Mom decided to leave. She took us to our Paternal Grandmother's house. I thought they were really going to be separated, but my Auntie's decided to fix their relationship, and they succeeded. Mom accepted my Dad's apology, and promised once again that he will not commit the same mistakes he did back then. This time, he didn't lie.
2003... 2004... 2005... My sister and brother went to Manila to study, and my Mom decided to come with them, so I was left with my Dad for that time. No family problems again. No names of Nerissa again. No womanizing. No yelling. Nothing... We all thought that my Dad changed, but when my older sister returned from Manila, she saw some text messages from some unregistered number saying that "Thanks for the sugar, hon! I love you as always!" Damn, we were hurt once again, but we decided not to tell Mom about this. My sister confronted my Dad, but my Dad had his own story. He said he didn't know that number and the likes! We didn't believe him, we know he's cheating again. My sister left Bicol with a heavy heart, and I was left with my Dad again, with loneliness and betrayal. Time flew so quickly that it was already 2006... Just one more year before I graduate. Everything seemed perfect again, but one night, I just heard my Mom and Dad arguing again. I saw my Mom crying while telling my Dad "Nagtatrabaho ako ng maayos dito... Ang masakit dun, maraming tao ang nagsasabi sa akin at pinatatawanan ako na nambababae daw ang asawa ko!" I almost burst into tears, but I managed to control my feelings. I didn't want to hear and saw my Mom crying, so I just decided to sleep, but I couldn't do so. How could I?
2007... I graduated from high school and went to Manila with my Mom. My Dad was left alone. When I returned from Manila during my sem break, I saw a text message on my Dad's phone. It was on his drafts. It read: "Happy 3rd anniversary! You know I love you even though everyone is against our relationship! I'm looking forward to being with you again!" I knew it! My Dad really didn't change. He was still a womanizer. And by that time, I realized, how could I respect this man who doesn't even respect his family. I lost my respect to my Dad, and I started hating him. I couldn't confront him, because I was too weak for that, and I hate myself for being so stupid! I kept that text message to myself, because I don't want my sister, brother, and Mom to be mad at my Dad. I don't want to have problems again.
2008... 2009... Just last year, when we all returned from Manila for our x-mas break, my sister read a text message with someone named "?" on my Dad's phonebook. It read: Nagseselos ako kapag andyan asawa mo, kailan ba tayo magkikita ulit?" Freak! I almost lost my temper there, but I managed to control it. I took the number and started to text it, but the woman didn't reply. The only mystery here is the identity of that woman. But one thing is for sure... She may or may not be Nerissa, but still, she's my Dad's other woman!
I don't know how to confront my Dad, neither do I know how to tell my Mom about this. My sister and I even kept this to my brother because he was reviewing for his board exam on May. I left a letter, and hid it somewhere, and I hope that my Dad will be able to read that. I wrote all my hatred, pain and suffering there. I even told my Dad I hate him and will never be able to gain my respect again. I hate him for being a womanizer, and I hate him for not valuing his family!
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