I changed a lot.
From a simple person, to one who believes that life is really full of glitch, sometimes full of shit. I grew up knowing that having many friends will make my life happy and I was right, but I soon realized that having many friends do not add up to my happiness, it is, in fact, make me feel so awful and terrible. Why is that so? It is because I try to earn as many friends, but never did I bother to pick the real ones.
“The curtains unfold to the greatest story I have ever told. Now, I no longer have to bear with what I have been thinking. I have already given the most important secret I have been keeping to the friends I have. Tonight, at this very moment, I surrender my innocence-if that’s the most appropriate term to use- or almost as if I have made it gone with the wind. The labyrinth of my journey has come to an end as it finally takes its step to what lies toward me. Tonight, I am no longer afraid of any labefaction for I have had enough of it and I no longer need it; the failure isn’t as bad as it may seems for it goes swiftly back and forth at you- maybe I was just numb to feel it though or I am just so used to it. Tonight, I won’t be lackadaisical of the problems and troubles that I will be facing for I feel so secured of what I have and will be having now. I need to change! And that change means not to be la-di-da, and I am willing to try my best! I am officially leaving those who do not deserve me and those that I felt I do not deserve- so you people ‘you know who you are’- don’t go asking me the reason why I am doing this, because I won’t, not even bother, tell you what lacked and caused this change. The innocence may be gone, but the memory still remains... This is no time to be dramatic but I feel that I am losing so much time on being someone that I know I’m not and wouldn’t be. The night closes its doors and so I am!”
This is the goodbye text message that I sent to my friends, or so I thought. One incident happened to me that made me feel so alone and awkward- leaving me into nothingness full of broken pieces of the puzzle that I think must solve- an understatement. I felt so ashamed of myself after seeing that I was living in a world full of make-believe. Hatred is the first thing I have felt when I was brought back to reality by the pain that struck me, the truth really hurts, I know, but I was never prepared to face it so soon. I never know how that pain could come really close that I have started hurting myself and become so miserable. I didn’t know what to do, and so I had to say goodbye to all those who never believed in me and never remembered me every other day. Anguish is the next thing I felt, feeling betrayed by my friends whom I treasured so much and gave so much attention and love. I never did confront them... All I ever did was to say goodbye and change my number without telling them so. I was in grave sorrow that is why... I don’t know what else to do, because I am so miserable that time. What I did was to seek for comfort with the remaining true friends that I have, and so I thought once again. Stupidity is the great word I could ever compare myself to- So close... So close... This is what I am feeling one week after I have come to the realization that not all my friends are really my friends... Are you kidding me? This is another question I have been asking myself for a week. I don’t know why, but it seems that I could not grasp for the right answer that would fit in with that question. After feeling betrayed once again, I felt that I don’t have anything remaining in me, and so I have to go back to the nest where I can be safe from harm and pain...
I have felt many things this week- the realization of things up to another- but never did I ask myself the real question that I really should have asked myself... Why am I being so affected? Is it because I don’t feel so secured of what I have now? Yes! I am doubtful... So much that I could not tell the others the real reason why I am changing. Why I am feeling so depressed to the point of exaggerating the things that are happening to me. Or maybe, I just really can’t find the reason how to tell them the truth... The truth that only 5 persons know...
One... The first one whom I entrusted my greatest secret is to my friend who became so close to me that we never had secrets from each other anymore... He is the one who is always there to comfort me when I always feel so sad and down. He really is my friend even though we had several arguments back then. We were friends since I was 15 and he’s about 16. Classmates... He was always there that I felt so safe to tell him everything.... But not everything... not until I reached 17 and he was 18... I told him what had been bothering me and pestering my life. And guess what? He was never ashamed of me... He never was... That is why I became so attached to him that I promised him I will always treasure our friendship... I will... I am willing to... I was willing to.... I am no longer willing to...
Two... After having confided myself from my closest friend, I felt I am no longer afraid of telling my other friend about the same thing I have told to the One. This other friend showed me that even afar, you can still earn real friends that will never ever bring you down. I saw it from him... My so called older brother- literally speaking- he was 6 years older than me. I never thought we will become friends for I didn’t know him personally, just by some chatting site... I was taking my chances, finding another friend to keep... And he was there.... He opened his arms and accepted me as his friend... A real one... Never did I imagine that someone will open his arms open that I could just flung my arms around him and wrap him with my warm embrace. Silly me... But I really have to admit that I am really silly when it comes to things like this... And the time came that I felt that this person needs to know the truth too, and so again, I confessed, what should be confessed- and guess what? He accepted me! Coincidence... I guess not... Maybe he’s just so open minded that he doesn’t mind any defects about me... And I am very happy to get to know him... He was happy to know me... I guess so... I am just guessing... I was really guessing.... I was just taking chances to be free...
Three... A year after the two subsequent confessions I have made, - or is that just a year or about a year? - Well maybe just about a year after it, I have come to know this girl, - or should I say a woman- because she was 20 when I knew her, when I confessed the top secret of my life... I never told her by the way, she first guessed it, and that is when I told her that she guessed right... We were talking about this sex thing and then I just suddenly asked her something making her think that there’s something wrong with me. And so I told her that she’s right... She was right from the very start of our conversation. But, oh anyway! I was never afraid to tell her the truth, because she’s really close to me... Like my older sister, that is... And I’m happy for having her, because she never told me that she was ashamed of me- or maybe she was- but I really never know... I just want to settle with things around me as peaceful as possible... What matters most is, that I’m only human...I am not perfect... I make mistakes- a lot. But I learn from it- a little.
The 4th and the 5th ones were my real high school friends, and they were the only ones who knows my darkest secret, and I am glad I did tell them.
I admit, I lost too many friends because of my exaggerated emotions, but I am glad I really did stop communicating with them, because I don't want to see them anymore.
But the question still remains here... Why am I being so affected? Are there any drastic changes in my life? Or is it because I’m still afraid that people might misjudge me? Well, for me to answer these questions, I need to start from the very beginning of my life’s journey... And I am hoping to find the right answers, so that I will not feel this pain anymore and so that I will be free to all the questions that almost everyone are throwing at me.
From a simple person, to one who believes that life is really full of glitch, sometimes full of shit. I grew up knowing that having many friends will make my life happy and I was right, but I soon realized that having many friends do not add up to my happiness, it is, in fact, make me feel so awful and terrible. Why is that so? It is because I try to earn as many friends, but never did I bother to pick the real ones.
“The curtains unfold to the greatest story I have ever told. Now, I no longer have to bear with what I have been thinking. I have already given the most important secret I have been keeping to the friends I have. Tonight, at this very moment, I surrender my innocence-if that’s the most appropriate term to use- or almost as if I have made it gone with the wind. The labyrinth of my journey has come to an end as it finally takes its step to what lies toward me. Tonight, I am no longer afraid of any labefaction for I have had enough of it and I no longer need it; the failure isn’t as bad as it may seems for it goes swiftly back and forth at you- maybe I was just numb to feel it though or I am just so used to it. Tonight, I won’t be lackadaisical of the problems and troubles that I will be facing for I feel so secured of what I have and will be having now. I need to change! And that change means not to be la-di-da, and I am willing to try my best! I am officially leaving those who do not deserve me and those that I felt I do not deserve- so you people ‘you know who you are’- don’t go asking me the reason why I am doing this, because I won’t, not even bother, tell you what lacked and caused this change. The innocence may be gone, but the memory still remains... This is no time to be dramatic but I feel that I am losing so much time on being someone that I know I’m not and wouldn’t be. The night closes its doors and so I am!”
This is the goodbye text message that I sent to my friends, or so I thought. One incident happened to me that made me feel so alone and awkward- leaving me into nothingness full of broken pieces of the puzzle that I think must solve- an understatement. I felt so ashamed of myself after seeing that I was living in a world full of make-believe. Hatred is the first thing I have felt when I was brought back to reality by the pain that struck me, the truth really hurts, I know, but I was never prepared to face it so soon. I never know how that pain could come really close that I have started hurting myself and become so miserable. I didn’t know what to do, and so I had to say goodbye to all those who never believed in me and never remembered me every other day. Anguish is the next thing I felt, feeling betrayed by my friends whom I treasured so much and gave so much attention and love. I never did confront them... All I ever did was to say goodbye and change my number without telling them so. I was in grave sorrow that is why... I don’t know what else to do, because I am so miserable that time. What I did was to seek for comfort with the remaining true friends that I have, and so I thought once again. Stupidity is the great word I could ever compare myself to- So close... So close... This is what I am feeling one week after I have come to the realization that not all my friends are really my friends... Are you kidding me? This is another question I have been asking myself for a week. I don’t know why, but it seems that I could not grasp for the right answer that would fit in with that question. After feeling betrayed once again, I felt that I don’t have anything remaining in me, and so I have to go back to the nest where I can be safe from harm and pain...
I have felt many things this week- the realization of things up to another- but never did I ask myself the real question that I really should have asked myself... Why am I being so affected? Is it because I don’t feel so secured of what I have now? Yes! I am doubtful... So much that I could not tell the others the real reason why I am changing. Why I am feeling so depressed to the point of exaggerating the things that are happening to me. Or maybe, I just really can’t find the reason how to tell them the truth... The truth that only 5 persons know...
One... The first one whom I entrusted my greatest secret is to my friend who became so close to me that we never had secrets from each other anymore... He is the one who is always there to comfort me when I always feel so sad and down. He really is my friend even though we had several arguments back then. We were friends since I was 15 and he’s about 16. Classmates... He was always there that I felt so safe to tell him everything.... But not everything... not until I reached 17 and he was 18... I told him what had been bothering me and pestering my life. And guess what? He was never ashamed of me... He never was... That is why I became so attached to him that I promised him I will always treasure our friendship... I will... I am willing to... I was willing to.... I am no longer willing to...
Two... After having confided myself from my closest friend, I felt I am no longer afraid of telling my other friend about the same thing I have told to the One. This other friend showed me that even afar, you can still earn real friends that will never ever bring you down. I saw it from him... My so called older brother- literally speaking- he was 6 years older than me. I never thought we will become friends for I didn’t know him personally, just by some chatting site... I was taking my chances, finding another friend to keep... And he was there.... He opened his arms and accepted me as his friend... A real one... Never did I imagine that someone will open his arms open that I could just flung my arms around him and wrap him with my warm embrace. Silly me... But I really have to admit that I am really silly when it comes to things like this... And the time came that I felt that this person needs to know the truth too, and so again, I confessed, what should be confessed- and guess what? He accepted me! Coincidence... I guess not... Maybe he’s just so open minded that he doesn’t mind any defects about me... And I am very happy to get to know him... He was happy to know me... I guess so... I am just guessing... I was really guessing.... I was just taking chances to be free...
Three... A year after the two subsequent confessions I have made, - or is that just a year or about a year? - Well maybe just about a year after it, I have come to know this girl, - or should I say a woman- because she was 20 when I knew her, when I confessed the top secret of my life... I never told her by the way, she first guessed it, and that is when I told her that she guessed right... We were talking about this sex thing and then I just suddenly asked her something making her think that there’s something wrong with me. And so I told her that she’s right... She was right from the very start of our conversation. But, oh anyway! I was never afraid to tell her the truth, because she’s really close to me... Like my older sister, that is... And I’m happy for having her, because she never told me that she was ashamed of me- or maybe she was- but I really never know... I just want to settle with things around me as peaceful as possible... What matters most is, that I’m only human...I am not perfect... I make mistakes- a lot. But I learn from it- a little.
The 4th and the 5th ones were my real high school friends, and they were the only ones who knows my darkest secret, and I am glad I did tell them.
I admit, I lost too many friends because of my exaggerated emotions, but I am glad I really did stop communicating with them, because I don't want to see them anymore.
But the question still remains here... Why am I being so affected? Are there any drastic changes in my life? Or is it because I’m still afraid that people might misjudge me? Well, for me to answer these questions, I need to start from the very beginning of my life’s journey... And I am hoping to find the right answers, so that I will not feel this pain anymore and so that I will be free to all the questions that almost everyone are throwing at me.
you can never really tell who you're real friends are...at times, realization hits you, and it feels like a cold bucket of ice.and yet,..there's still a lot of us left. and if we dwindled to singular numbers, who cares? better have a few, than have many who would stab you at the back..to hell with them anyway.
ReplyDelete