I really don’t know how it started; it just became my own intuition of myself... It was nothing... I said to myself, but I didn’t realize that it would change my life... and it may ruin it for the rest of my living days on Earth... You may think that what I am writing down here are all tricks, but I am presenting you some evidences to prove that I am telling the truth, and my verdict will be- guilty beyond reasonable doubt... and Death is the sentence I mostly deserve. Don’t listen to those who pull you down because they are not worthy of your time... This is the motto I have been putting inside my mind whenever I hear people who talk shit about me... But that motto didn’t give me any help... As a kid, fighting for my own good is not my mission, my role is just to go with the flow and just watch them; don’t mind them- I remind myself... Everyday, I wake up with a smile on my face, never minding the people around me... Just my family, my friends, and my toys... Every morning, I wake up early just to play our Nintendo game or sometimes, our Super Nintendo- you might as well know that we don’t own PlayStation yet in the early 1990’s- and it just makes me happy... My Mom would always tell me that I have to study before playing, but what can I do; I’m just a kid with nothing to do with my life but to play! But oh, well, going back to the point, my Mom is the one who always comforts me and the one who’s always besides me when I am feeling down, that is why I became so attached to her that I always tell her my problems... my dreams... and my thoughts...
Yes... Those three really made me think of myself, not my toys, not my friends, partly my family, but most especially- me... But before I start with my very entertaining story-if you’ll ask me, it’s very entertaining; I just don’t know if you’ll feel the same way too- I think it will be formal if I will introduce myself first to you. I am just like all of you-Human, an ordinary name, but with a different twist in my life; sucks doesn’t it? So you can just call me any name you want that will most likely suit your preferences. But let me just remind you that I am a man, with dignity and honour; I guess. Anyway, what I will be telling now are part of my life when I was about 6 or 7, that is what I can remember, and till I reach the age I am now... I don’t need to describe myself anymore, it wouldn’t make any change at all whether I’m ugly or not, whether I’m thin or fat, or whether I’m intelligent or not... What matters most is that I am telling you everything that I can remember... You can skip this part if you feel like it... and I am prepared by your comments after reading or while reading this story.
Let me start this now...
My Thoughts... When I was 7 years old, I thought that there’s something missing in my life or that there’s something wrong in me... I thought that there are so many things that I still have to know that would mean so much importance to me. Also, I thought that the people around me never care for me at all- that hurts me, but what can I do? I can never please everyone. That is why I always ask my Mom’s comfort and my other Nanay who took good care of me when I was just a baby and who’s been beside me until I was 12 years old... My shattered thoughts became beautiful thoughts when I am beside them... Because I felt so safe that no one can ever harm me or tell shit about me... I don’t understand the way people think, but I can understand that I am not one of them... And that is when I realize that I really need to know what I must do to please them... To make them feel that I am not what they think I am... I became the person that I feel I am not and wouldn’t be... But still, just for the sake of pleasing them, I showed myself that I really am not... But as a kid, I don’t care about it, I just want to catch their attention... Their attention pleasures me... And the pleasure satisfies me... But it was just short-lived, because I suddenly thought that even though I already pleased everyone, I will still live in a world that I made but never wanted... A world full of lies and make-believe... Full of hatred, hypocrisy, hope, and without love...
My Dreams... My Dreams became so important to me after realizing that I really shouldn’t please anyone... That even I try to, I never will... So I started dreaming big... I wanted to go abroad and all that stuff... I wanted to make my family happy and live with the rich and famous in the industry... I wanted to make them feel that I care for them... That is my dream... To see them smile because I am doing my very best to achieve it...
My Problems... Alright, so I think I have been out to the point of my confessions here... So I’ll start the important facts of my life... As a kid, I had so many problems in life, other than toys, of course... I have had several arguments with my friends and the people around me, sometimes, I enter into fights just to prove that I can defend myself... but deep inside, I am afraid... Afraid that I won’t be able to do so and people will began to look me with laughter in their faces, and shame drawn in my face... The problems, I know, is so hard to solve, especially when you don’t know how to solve it... I have had hard times getting the problems out of my mind, but with the help of the people who care for me, I learned to let go of the problems I have in mind and just to smile whenever I find it hard... and to try again and again until I learn how to solve it...
This had been the three essential requisites that helped influenced my character… But as a kid, I always forget these three requisites in my life… Because my attention always shifts whenever there are things happening around me that satisfies me…
And speaking of satisfaction… There was this young girl who satisfied me... It was a love at first sight... She was the one who made me feel that I am not alone in this world… I felt that… But I know she doesn’t… But no matter what, I still adore her for being who she is… And for showing me that everything in this world will try you… Will make you firm… And will tell you that not anyone can be yours… But they can be, if they are really meant for you… Every time she talks, it motivates me to impress her- well, you couldn’t blame me- she was the first one who made my heart skip like heaven, such a cliché- and make her recognize that I exist in her world… Well, she knows I exist- literally- because I’m one of her closest friend when we were in 2nd grade, but what I mean is that I want her to recognize me as someone who loves her… I know, she will recognize it… I just have to wait, no matter how long it will take… And it really did take so long… But when you’re in love, time seemed so short; you’ll never know when it will end… You’ll never know when it will hurt… And you’ll never know why you are still waiting. But the most important thing that I know when you’re in love is that “Time is just a split of seconds; one minute won’t satisfy you; an hour would make you ask for more; months would make you excited; and years will make you love her more and more…” And that proved me right… I did love her… So much that I am willing to sacrifice anything just for her… Just for her...
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